My mother and grandmother would say the strangest things to me as a child. Many times I knew what they meant, but had no idea what it had to do with what I was doing wrong. My grandmother would yell at me down the driveway “STOP ACING THE MAGGOT! Ok, so let’s think about this, I knew this meant for me stop doing what I was doing, but maggots? acting? I’m confused. “You’re a right eejit” she would say, “I am”? I would ask…I thought I was Irish. “ohh you think you’re a right article”. You mean I am in the paper? “Now wipe that puss off your face” she would tell me, as I try and eat my cabbage, potatoes with a side of sheep hearts.

My mom was just as confusing, she would say things to me that were just impossible when you think about it. Like when she would grab me by the ear and say “look at how filthy the inside of your ears are, just look at them! Are you trying to grow potatoes in there?” Ok 1st off, look at the inside of my ears? Are you serious? I tried, it’s not possible. 2nd, potatoes? Growing in my ear? That would be a right sight to see. The visual imagery alone is enough to scare me into cleaning my ears daily. “Gregory Hogan, if and when you fall off that wall and break both your legs, don’t come running to me!” Again, not possible.

I have also been called lots of interesting things in my life, Irish people have the strangest names for children who need a good telling off, this will be the clean version of that list. Boyo, eejit, git, article, divil, dosser, gobshite, squealer, and thick. I am sure there are tons more, but I am just jadded from writing, and I think I will now go hit the sheets for the night.