-=warning, the following post contains graphic material, viewer discretion is advised=-
When I was a kid, I had sinus issues, the doctors said it was “over active” so use your imagination, let it run wild for a minute. I would use my over active sinus in emergency situations only. I am sharing this information for educational purposes only. Desmond, when you are old enough to read this, we will talk more.
So you might be wondering how I could possibly use my “over active sinus” problems to my advantage? Well as a kid growing up, I lived among my fair share of bullies. Actually there was a whole street of them, and I remember them all by name to this day. I have a list, and if I ever find their IP address so help them. Anyway, I am not much of a fighter, never have been. I have touched on that subject before in my “throwing punches” post. My Dad even signed me up for Kick-Boxing one time. I guess thinking maybe that would help me. The first night there I got punched so hard in the stomach I felt my mashed potatoes come up from dinner an hour earlier, and as much as we Irish love our spuds, they do not taste better the 2nd time around. I was then placed in a choke hold to make sure I did not throw them up, how considerate.
Most times I just ran. Like an Irish Forest Gump I ran! I ran like the wind. I could at least out run most of those boys. I had crazy reflexes too, I could turn and duck like a ninja. Sure a shirt might have been grabbed or ripped, but I always escaped. But then there was the time I was surrounded, there was no escape. I was in the middle of the street being closed in on, and everyone was watching, because Hogan was about to get a beat down….again.
The funny thing is I remember I had two “Digestive Biscuits” in my hand (cookies for u Americans). If you have ever had these you know they are dry and stick to your teeth and gum’s like a paste. They are meant to be dipped in hot tea, but only for a second, because it will break, fall off and turn our tea into a soggy mess! I was really happy to have these biscuits in my hand, they were not my favorite, but a treat no less from my mom who had just given them to me. I sure as heck was not letting them go to waste for a butt kicking. What happened next I have only shared with maybe two people in this whole world, I am about to reveal my act of pure desperation.
I was in an impossible situation, the following actions are justified. What was I to do? As my attackers closed in on me I shoved both of those digestive biscuits in my mouth (not recommended) I chewed them as best I could. I then took a deep breath blew as much air out my nose and mouth as I could possibly could blow and screamed bloody murder. What happened next was both hilarious and disturbing. Chewed up biscuit spew and flew everywhere, and from my nose came an unholy amount of over active sinus snot, I was like a human can of silly string from which there was no escape! I swung my head left to right to maximize damage and coverage. If I was going down, so was everyone else around me in a phlegm of glory. Boys were screaming for their mothers, little girls were crying for their fathers, parents were in complete shock and awe. When I opened my eyes I stood there alone on the street, everyone had ran away. THEY had ran away. I was victorious, and I………needed a tissue.
So there you have it, my shame, my victory, my complete respect for airborne mucus. I have been sick now for over a week with a sinus infection. It has brought back memories of my childhood. You all have been warned; do not mess with The Hogan when his sinus’s are over active, or I will unleash the flood.
