Dear Desmond,

It really only feels like yesterday that we brought you home for the first time from the hospital. Now in the coming days we will be bringing a new person into the family, just like we did you. Only this time you will be there to be a part of it all. You may not remember all the details, but the details will be here for you to read. In the last two and half years, you have made me laugh, cry, and brought a level of joy into my life that I have not experienced since your mom.

The way you smile and look down to the floor but your eyes drift up and your lip does this little flip when you know you have done something funny, but want to see us laugh first. It is truly priceless. The way you copy everything we say, no matter how big the word is.

The way you kindly and sweetly asks for buttcrust (breakfast) in the morning. How you always want a “snackie” to eat.

I love the way you love on me with huge hugs, and tell me that you “luvmetoo”.

I love how we muscle (wrestle) and “get each others cookies” (tickle) and you run off screaming “no don’t get my cookies!”.

I love how tough you are, so tough that I do not even worry when you fall any more.

I love that you sing, and you sing all the time. You sing the songs that no other child I know your age sings.

I love that you play my guitar, and you ask for my pick, because then you feel like you are playing just like I do.

I love how you love the dogs, when they are at a point in their lives when they need it most (the end).  They once were our children, but now life has gotten so big for us, that you are our children, and they are now yours. You love them, as we love you.

You are about to be a big brother, a role I know a little something about. It is not an easy job, but its one of the best jobs. You won’t know that until you are older, and as much as I tell you now and over the years, you may not believe or listen to me. But one day you will know it, and he or she will always look up to you. You will always be the superstar, you will always be bigger in your siblings eyes, and you will always be the one he or she goes to when they wont go to mom or dad.

You are only two and a half now, but soon you will be eighteen and a half, and by then, this will all mean so much more. You are my greatest creation, my finest photograph, and the perfect version of me, I love you, and can’t wait to see you as a big brother.

-dad

Remember that dream as a kid you to use to have, the one of being a childhood rock star? You are the lead singer of a band, and you write the songs everyone sings, and play the guitar for the world to hear? You know you have dreamed about it. The funny thing is, that dream never really goes away. The older you get the dreams may get smaller, and reality kicks in, and real life takes over. But the dream of being that rock star never really goes away. Its always there, its always at the back of your mind, and it always creeps forward when you least expect it. You may hear it in a song, or see it in a movie. You want to be “that guy” the one who has it all together and gets the world to sing along with you.

When it comes to expressing myself in an art form I fall short because I am kind of a shy guy. It is something I am working on. It is something that has slowed me down, and I believe has held me back from many opportunities in life. I know now why I love to take pictures, because I get to hide behind the camera and make the magic happen there. There is no fear of me making a fool of myself.

So where am I going with this? Well…they say that parents lead by example. I believe that to be true, Desmond pretty much does just about everything I do, says the things I say and shadows my every move. I do not want him to be shy and miss out on something he might be good at because of it. So over the past month I have picked up my guitar and I sing. I sing the songs I love, my “heart songs” (yes like the weezer song, a personal favorite or mine) I sing the songs I can play, which is like 3 songs (poor Jackie), but I sing them during bath time. My hope is Desmond will learn its OK to sing, singing makes the heart feel good, singing makes other hearts feel good, and the world could use more of that.

The idea of growing old has been on my mind a lot lately. It might have something to do with the 1st chapter of the new book I am reading “Water for Elephants” which starts out with the thought of old age, and how when you are in your twenty’s, you know exactly how old you are. You tell people “I am 23″ without skipping a beat, or “I am 27″ with no pause. However when you reach your thirty’s you have to pause for a split second, I am……I am…..32, I am 32 right?….yup 32 it is. It is so true! Is that a sign of the beginning of  the end?

So here I am. I am 32. I do not feel 32, age is just a number right? I know I have plenty of years a head of me, or at least I hope I do. I just can’t shake the idea that life is flying by faster then I want it to.

Look at that boy in the above picture, it is unbelievable that this is the same small baby boy from two years ago. Yes it has been two years. He talks, and wants and asks for things. He tells me I am funny, and wants to play, and show me things, and tell me about all sorts of things he sees each day. He can tell me who is who of Star Wars action figures, he likes to fly like Superman around the house, no really I am serious, he likes to fly arms out and wooosh around the house and jump as Superman would jump.

Each night before we go to bed he wants me to sing the “cockles and muscles” song. If you are Irish you will know what I am talking about right off, the song is actually called “Molly Malone” and its one of those songs that if you live or have been to a pub in Ireland for any amount of time you will hear it. It is actually been adopted as the national song. I sing this song to him every night now. I also have found that if he is very upset this song will instantly calm him. The last few times I have held Desmond in my arms and he is crying uncontrollably, I will start singing this song, and his entire body will instantly relax, and my heart and soul find peace with the entire world. There is no greater feeling in the world then calming your child with the sound of your own voice. I have found myself at times not wanting to lay him down in his bed, and want to just stand there forever and sing and hold him, because of all my short comings or failures or faults as a person, this is the one thing no one can ever take away from me, ever. This is what keeps me going, this is what will keep me young inside forever.

I might make this a reoccurring post for myself as I find a huge amount of therapy in expressing my heart on paper. I also want one day for Desmond to read my struggles, and understand its O.K to struggle as a man. Being a man is very difficult. No one gives you a handbook on how to be a one. Sure there is the Bible, but it can be confusing and hard to dig deep into what it is telling you to do. To me the bible only truly starts to make sense when I am at my lowest point in life and struggles. Recently I have felt my spirit has been broken, and all the hurts I have had in the world started to build on my shoulders, and I just could not carry them any more. I closed myself off from friends, and I forgot how to be myself around them. I didn’t want to blog, or share or do anything. I just wanted to shut myself off from everyone, and that’s when I truly started to see the real hurt I inflicted on those around me. I had built this bubble around myself for protection, safety, and selfishness, and I started to suffocate inside it, and I had no idea why.

I just finished John Eldrege’s book: “Wild at Heart” I mentioned back in August that I started it, but stopped reading it until last week, and I blew through it. It spoke to me in ways that not many other books have before, and it pointed out a lot of things I was blaming myself for. It also pointed out that I was not listening or relying on God enough. I saw that in some parts of my life I needed to take a step back, and in other parts I needed to take a step forward. I needed to be more Christ like to those I love, and to those I do not. I needed to forgive, and I needed to be forgiven. I needed to let go of my anger and hurt, and in order to do that I needed to take a deeper look into myself and I needed to change.

So Desmond, its O.K to be scared, its O.K to not know what is going on all the time. The true test of a man is to Love, and Love fiercely. Love with all your heart, be a Warrior, be a fighter, stand up for what you believe in, and take a chance at living life, failure is not failing if you get back up and you try again, learning from the mistake and then taking a different approach, and that’s not always the easy one, but this is how you succeed and grow.

C.S. Lewis wrote in his book Mere Christianity,(which I am currently reading) it says” “We all want progress,  but progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turn, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”

My failures have been that I was going down the wrong road, or the safe road, and then sitting on the side of it, because I did not know where else to go. It was safe there,  but it got very lonely. So I am heading back  now, and this time I am following Gods direction, not my own.

The title of this post is appropriate because I am currently reading a book by that title, and it fits so much with what I have done the last few weeks. You may know by now that I recently took a trip to the “Middle east”.  There are two sides to this trip that I can share. The side I can share with you personally, and the side I can share with you publicly.  I will share the public side of this trip on the blog, if you want the personal side you will have to get with me.

So where do I even begin? I did not go with Jackie, or Desmond, this journey was my journey, a chance to grow in ways I could not even being to imagine. I did things I would never dreamed of doing. I saw things I never could have imagined.

I got to coast over sand dunes in a land rover going 40mph for over an hour into the desert, not a soul to be seen for miles. I watched the sunset into the sky and into the sand, it went down where I was, and was coming up for my friends back home. I got to hold a falcon on my arm, and eat a meal under the dead of night under the stars of the desert. I saw buildings in a city made for the future, money pouring from the sky and being spent as if it was nothing. I saw an entire country being built from the ground up, a new birth, an empire.

I walked the hallways of a palace, gold ceilings, tile floors, the cost of this place was 40 billion US dollars, a 7 star hotel, a rich and wealthy life style of fame and fortune of the likes I had never seen. I stood and walked with my head looking up and my mouth wide open. I was completely awestruck.

I saw all that first hand, but that is not what made me grow or learn who I was, and what I could do. I walked the streets of poverty, and saw the true people of this place. I made friends with strangers who had nothing to give but friendship and hospitality. An open heart, a longing for a friend to connect with.

I met people, strangers, new friends, and even brothers. I played soccer on the beach of the Persian Gulf with boys from Egypt, not a word of English to be spoken. I boarded a Somalian cargo boat, heading to Iran or Somalia, or where ever their destination brought them. I hung out with a crew of men, all brothers, all of them not a word of English, but they welcomed me, they brought me a seat, cold water, we sat we talked, we took pictures, how incredible is that?

I rode in a van through the desert in 120 degree weather with no air conditioning crammed to the seat and window for 3 hours, and I loved it. I was in it, I journaled my thoughts and emotions at that very moment. I was uncomfortable, hot and tired, but I was happy. I was living on the edge. I was stepping out of my normal lifestyle I was giving up the iphone, I was unplugged from the net, and I had no desire to facebook my status. No one would believe me anyway! I was growing on the inside, I was in God’s hands and he was leading the way.

I fell in love with the people there, the ones who are lost, the ones who needed a connection, a human connection, a piece of love that they were missing. I gave them that, and they gave me so much more. They helped me conquer my fear of of the heart, they helped me find what matters most and most of all they helped me find myself.

down, down, down I go.

So I have noticed a trend over the last few months, and its a hard reality really. My blog is taking a hit in stats, and the numbers are dropping more and more each week. I blame Oprah and Ashton. They single handedly sucked the coolness out of the internet last week. Actually just twitter. Sure I jumped on the wagon for a little bit and followed him. I wanted to see what the fuss was all about, that lasted about 4 days. A word of advice, Ashton is not funny on twitter, and Oprah is a total noob, so much so that her 1st tweet had to be edited by twitter.com themselves. Seriously? Yes.

I love twitter to keep me updated with my friends, and family. I love my friends and family, and I love that they can make me laugh 140 characters at a time. Who is my favorite twitters? @kellyrutledge and  @hogi82 and why? Because I have no idea what is come out of their mouths next, they keeps it real YO.

So lets get into facebook, yes facebook is like twitter, but so much more. Actually its too much more at times. They have got to fix some things. Like the stupid apps, I mean who the heck wants to know What Flavor Jolly Rancher Defines You as a Person? or What TV Show Character Looks Like Your Dog? or What City Are You Most Likely to Fart in Next? I do not care! delete, delete, delete. It drives me crazy! I DO want to know what you are doing, and make it witty, make me smile, show me a picture, share your family, your struggles, your laughs, let me get to know you better for who you really are, this is what facebook is about. Connection, laughs and a daily dose of something new each day.

I have had a number of friend requests from people I only knew for half a second 10 years ago. I am sorry “blast from the past” but there is a check list you must pass before I can add you as a friend, and if you do not meet those requirements you will sit in my pending page until I get around to ignoring you completely. Delete

I think some people are in it for the numbers, some people have like 700+ friends. Seriously 700? Ok Ashton wanna be Kutcher. If you really know 700+ people, more power too you, that is awesome, I would hate to see your Christmas Card and stamps bill. Please do not think I am bashing facebook, I LOVE it. I love seeing status updates, and pictures of everyone, this is what I love the most, and chatting back and forth on comments of status updates. I am just worried about it turning into another myspace which I abandoned long long ago. Facebook, please fix the filters so I can have it the way I want it, take Burger Kings idea and give it to me my way. Thanks.

Anyway there is my rant for the year, nagoh.com is loosing the war on visitors, people want there info all in one place, and I can understand that, its just a sad day when I know nagoh.com doesn’t get the buzz it use to get. Maybe I should blame Obama to0, nagoh needs a stimulas package.

One day last week we were unable to find the following items, two sippy cups, tivo remote, tv remote, tax paper work, socks, and a shoe. That evening when it was bath time, I go to turn on the water, and as I look into the bathtub, I see all of the above items. As I am reaching into the bathtub to fish all these things out, I am hit in the back of the head with a rubber ducky. You see Desmond it seems is into gathering things, and throwing them over the edge of something.

A few days ago I walk around the outside of the house and see random items laying under each window, again a sippy cup, paper work, vacuume cleaner parts, shoes, whatever he can find. If a window is open, either he is throwing something out it or he himself is trying to climb out it. He also now loves to climb things. Like stand on top of a box, or a toy or whatever is within reach. I think my child might be a squirrel! He likes to gather things, and climb things.

The reality of it is, the little baby has turned into a little boy, a little boy who goes vroom vroom at the sound of a truck driving by. He is all boy! It’s incredible to watch it unfold before my eyes each day. A new fun game he likes to play is running away from me. You see when its time for bed and the diaper gets changed, there is a moment there when I have to let go of him to get his jammies on. In that brief moment he is gone like a bullet, out the door and around the corner into the living room, around the kitchen, and up the hallway. He is ridiculously fast, and I am getting old.

The picture above was taken over Easter holidays, it was in the last post, but I wanted to use it again, because I think it symbolizes a milestone in his life. He is growing up and needing us a little less. He wants to explore, he wants to run away and see things for himself. It is exciting and sad at the same time. I know this chapter in his life and my life will be a recurring one. There will be other times when he runs away, and needs us less. This is just my first glimpse at it.

Over two years ago we bought the big house with the big yard. It was part of the American Dream. We both had great jobs, the cars were paid off, we had little to no debt except for a mortgage. We found a new church, we were making new friends, we had time for ourselves when we wanted it. Life was good and on track. Then 19 months ago our world changed in the form of two pink lines. Those two pink lines pointed us in a new direction. We had some serious changes ahead of us. One of us was going to stay home to care for the new baby. This was always the case for us. Now we needed to figure out how to make that work. Jackie and I had a plan, but now had to make a new plan. That plan was to first get her schooling/job finished. Then we needed to sell the house. A beautiful house that was perfect to raise a family in. The huge private yard, the cul-de-sac. It was a tough pill to swallow. It was just going to be too expensive on one income. For months we chewed on it. We played with the numbers, it was too tight to risk. We finally stuck the sign in the yard. Now we had to wait. Wait for the right buyer at the right time, in a market that is just awful. God would provide is what we kept telling ourselves. God Will Provide….he has before he will again.

We have always landed on our feet. I have told Jackie this for years. I use to be a worrier. When I met Jackie I found someone who could worry more then me. I quickly realized we can’t both be worried together. We both needed to be warriors, we both needed each to balance the other one out. We found each other, we found Faith, and we found the right balance that got us through all our tough times. There were some dark days over the past few months with no end in sight, but I had to have faith that this time we would land on our feet again.

This past few months, and this past week have been some of the hardest times we have ever had to endure. We sold the house, we moved our belongings, our entire life, and we did it all with the help of God, family and friends. We have once again landed on our feet. We did all of the above for those two pink lines. Those two pink lines we now call Desmond. The sweet little boy we love with all our hearts. The one person we would do anything for, sacrifice everything for, because in the end, its not about the house, its not about the cars, or the two jobs with the nice income. Its about being, happy, healthy, and together. It has been a tough 19 months, but now we have reached our goal. Jackie can stay home with Desmond, and we can be together as a family, and I would do it all again tomorrow.

Jackie and Desmond, I love you both with every ounce of strength I have to give.
Greg.

For some reason when it comes time to sit down at night, I am unable to unless things are in order. What do I mean by in order? I mean if the floor is littered with toys, shoes, socks, paper, magazines, ect. I have to organize them so they are nice and straight in an orderly fashion before I can watch TV. Now that Desmond is around this is a nightly routine! Its incredible how much that boy can pull out of 4 boxes and scatter across a room in the course of a few hours! Blocks, books, stuffed animals, wheels off cars, dog bowls! Its insane! It doesn’t stop there though. Pillows on a couch have to be in order, and throws have to be folded. Jackie and her mom hate that I fold throws. They are meant to be thrown! I fold them, always and place them neatly on the back of a sofa. Kelly can vouch for this, if she steps out of her house for an hour, and I am there, when she comes back usually the place has been straightened, and I am sitting watching TV like nothing happened. I won’t do it in front of her. I just like to go about it, alone, no questions or strange looks to slow me down. If I do not know where something goes I place it somewhere neatly. We are in the process of moving, and stuff is EVERYWHERE! I hate it. I want to get rid of all my stuff and own like 4 things. Laptop, xbox, tv, itouch. Ok maybe a few other gadget things to make my tech life effective, but everything else can go! Ohh and just so you know, I hate cleaning, don’t ask me to clean your toilet and expect it to sparkly. I just align things in place so they look neat. That’s where my obsession stops. The above is a picture of Desmond toys all lined up in the living room awaiting his destruction.

Dear Desmond,

your daddy was born in Ireland, and moved here to America when we was a small boy. Here is the story of how it all happened.

18 years ago today when I was a weee lad, my family packed our bags and set sail for the new world leaving Ireland behind us. We sold all our belongings. Mamo sold her favorite teapot, Pop’s sold his favorite fishing rod and potato, your Auntie Jenn sold her favorite Barbie Ferrari and Kylie Minogue cassette tape, and your Daddy sold his favorite Star Wars everything! and his favorite goat, I loved that goat.

We made our way to the docks, where our ship awaited. Her name was the Crytanic, they named her this, because everyone that ever boarded cried as they left their home land. It was handcrafted by many a drunk irishman, and glued together with mashed potatoes and peas. She was a beauty. As we left the port of Shannon, we could hear the sounds of Leprechauns, Fairies and Nana crying because the Hogans were leaving Ireland, we waved and hugged each other as we sailed off through a sea of shamrocks and into the sunset.

The trip was a long one, we ate spuds and soda bread for days on end. It was a good thing they had hot tea, or we all would have died on that ship. The seas were rough, I lost my spuds a few good times, but we held on, for America was close, and soon we could eat some McDonald’s, because this was our reason for leaving Ireland. It was all about the BigMac. I have moved on to Whoppers now, because whoppers are for big boys. One day you will understand. Little did I know that also one day I would marry the American Girl of my dreams, but she would frown upon my American Dream of BigMac’s and Fries. Your mom is a strange American woman, she does not eat meat. But one day when you are older, you will understand the power of love and what you are willing to do for it. (Don’t worry me and  you will eat whoppers).

Anyway, I am getting off track. When the Crytanic landed in Warner Robins, GA (don’t ask me what port, I think its closed now) we were so excited! But Desmond, the excitement faded when I realized that American’s had no sense of color for the outside. Everything was brown and dead. The color green did not seem to exist! I had never seen brown grass before. I cried, and ran back to the boat, I wanted to go home, but it had already sailed away down the I-75 river. I was stuck here in the land of the brown. I missed my goat.

Ohh but don’t worry Desmond, things changed and got better. I made new friends, sure they were not leprechauns or fairies (ok some where, but a different kind). I met your mom, I had my family. Today America is now home for us, 18 years is a long time, but it feels like yesterday. One day I will take you to Ireland, and we will hunt for treasure, dig for gold, find a leprechaun, and chase a goat. I will show you what I left behind so that I could find your mom, and also find you. You see Desmond, your my little Ireland, your my little leprechaun, and you are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

And that is how and why we moved to America!
The End.