My new years resolution for this year is to read more. I am surrounded by a family that reads, my sister reads what seems like a book a day, as does my sis-in-laws and father-in-law. So this year so far I have read, “Mere Christianity, The Shack, Peace like a River and The Road”.  In an effort to blog more ill do a mini book review of my readings.

So, “the road”, all I know to say is wow. It was by far the darkest book or story I have ever read. The author Cormac McCarthy takes a story of a father and his young son on a journey of survival in a world that is no more. It does not go into the details of what happened, but it seems some sort of climate change, and the world is reduced to ash. There is very little dialog in the book, just small conversations between the father and son. Their names are also not mentioned. They are on the road, making their way south and to the coast to warmer weather. Trying to avoid the bad people, and survive on whatever they can find. They are pretty much on the edge of starvation and death the entire book.

This book has won a huge amount of awards, my father in law mentioned it which is what drew me to it in the first place. It won The Pulitzer in 2007 for fiction. I have never read a book so fast, I honestly could not put it down, I just needed to know what happened next, I was scared for them, and heart broken for them. What made it incredibly difficult, was putting myself in the shoes of the father and the things he had to do or teach his son, that was tough.

So why would I read such a depressing book you might ask. Well, I don’t know. I am not going to make a habit of it. I was just very moved by it.

I will do my thoughts on Peace like a River and The Shack soon.

I still remember the day I became a big brother, It was an incredibly beautiful day in Ireland. Blue skies, the sun was shining and the clouds were that huge puffy cotton like clouds that just seem to hang in the sky. I was 4 years old and my Dad took me to the hospital to see my mom and new baby sister. I remember seeing Jenn for the 1st time, as mom held her wrapped in a hospital blanket on the bed. She was beautiful. But then something even more awesome happened. My Mom and Dad handed me two silver six shooters with a red holster and a red cowboy hat. Thoughts of a new sister vanished and I ran outside to the parking lot to kill bad guys. Because that’s what four year old boys with toy guns do. Sorry Jenn.

We recently informed Desmond that he is about to be a big brother, he is much younger then I was at four, being he just turning 2 and all, but we felt it was important to explain to him the responsibilities that come with being a big brother. It is a big job, and one that at times is very difficult and also sometimes a job we do not want, especially when they come into your room uninvited and steal your favorite Micheal Jackson cassette tapes.

However the older I get the more important that job becomes to me, the more I love and care for my sister, and want nothing but happiness for her. This is the kind of big brother Desmond will be, and even now I can see the love he has for everyone around him, and I look forward to watching that grow over the years. God is awesome.

So onto the details. Jackie is doing good, she is tired and has the normal tough days of early pregnancy. She is about 9 weeks along. The baby will be here sometime in the middle of August. We already had our first doctors visit and it went very well. We will not be finding out the sex, so this is all the more exciting. I love my wife, she is a rock star. So pray for her, and pray for us, because life is about to take on a whole other level.

Two! How insane is that…..time sure does fly. We love you, you little stinker!

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Christmas as a child for me was one of the best times, it was always very special around our house, there were games to be played, gifts under the tree, the hot fire blazing and just a wonderful warm feeling of “home”. Jenn and I would write letters to Santa and throw them into the fireplace and watch them burn as the flames turned beautiful colors and the ashes shot up the chimney into the night sky towards the north pole, it was pure magic. We would leave the cookies and milk for the big man to eat, always in the kitchen on the table, he was always very messy, leaving crumbs and such. But that’s was OK, he was in a hurry. I remember peaking out my window after I went to bed. My window was on the 2nd floor of our house and it over looked all the houses and I had an amazing view of Cratloe Woods which was on a huge hillside off in the distance. I really had one of the best views from my bedroom, it was prime Santa viewing too. Getting to sleep was always difficult, full of excitement and wonder.

In that excitement and wonder one Christmas eve night I had this wonderful idea of putting my stocking on my bedroom door handle, and I would leave the door cracked. This way Santa would have to come to my door to fill my stocking and I would see him, genius right? But what if I was asleep? This had to be fixed, there was no way I could stay awake, the rule goes, “he knows if you are sleeping and he knows if your awake” So I would need to be sleeping, but I needed to be quickly awoken to catch him. So I stood up on top of my bed and reached up to the top of my bedroom door and strategically placed all the actions figures I could find along the top. He-Man, Skeletor, Luke, Darth, Chewbacca, and a Transformer, ohh yes, this was perfect, my band of brothers, my elite ambush team of heroes. Santa would be captured by the same toys he had left from Christmas past, it was perfect. He would open the door and be clobbered by my Merry Men. He would never see it coming.

The next morning my stocking was gone and my men scattered on the floor. I couldn’t believe it! It did not work. My stocking was down stairs and my toys all under the tree. My plan had failed. Santa had come and gone, and I failed to see him in person. My mother on the other hand had a few words for me, it would seem she moved my stocking before she went to bed for the night and wanted to check on me, my poor mother fell victim to my trap, and was belted and clobbered by my elite force. She was not happy about it. Santa escaped, and it is probably just as well, for if he had taken the beating she had, I would not have gotten all I got that year. So kids, its not worth it, just let the big guy do his job. Merry Christmas.

I might make this a reoccurring post for myself as I find a huge amount of therapy in expressing my heart on paper. I also want one day for Desmond to read my struggles, and understand its O.K to struggle as a man. Being a man is very difficult. No one gives you a handbook on how to be a one. Sure there is the Bible, but it can be confusing and hard to dig deep into what it is telling you to do. To me the bible only truly starts to make sense when I am at my lowest point in life and struggles. Recently I have felt my spirit has been broken, and all the hurts I have had in the world started to build on my shoulders, and I just could not carry them any more. I closed myself off from friends, and I forgot how to be myself around them. I didn’t want to blog, or share or do anything. I just wanted to shut myself off from everyone, and that’s when I truly started to see the real hurt I inflicted on those around me. I had built this bubble around myself for protection, safety, and selfishness, and I started to suffocate inside it, and I had no idea why.

I just finished John Eldrege’s book: “Wild at Heart” I mentioned back in August that I started it, but stopped reading it until last week, and I blew through it. It spoke to me in ways that not many other books have before, and it pointed out a lot of things I was blaming myself for. It also pointed out that I was not listening or relying on God enough. I saw that in some parts of my life I needed to take a step back, and in other parts I needed to take a step forward. I needed to be more Christ like to those I love, and to those I do not. I needed to forgive, and I needed to be forgiven. I needed to let go of my anger and hurt, and in order to do that I needed to take a deeper look into myself and I needed to change.

So Desmond, its O.K to be scared, its O.K to not know what is going on all the time. The true test of a man is to Love, and Love fiercely. Love with all your heart, be a Warrior, be a fighter, stand up for what you believe in, and take a chance at living life, failure is not failing if you get back up and you try again, learning from the mistake and then taking a different approach, and that’s not always the easy one, but this is how you succeed and grow.

C.S. Lewis wrote in his book Mere Christianity,(which I am currently reading) it says” “We all want progress,  but progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turn, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive man.”

My failures have been that I was going down the wrong road, or the safe road, and then sitting on the side of it, because I did not know where else to go. It was safe there,  but it got very lonely. So I am heading back  now, and this time I am following Gods direction, not my own.

There is something about that hair. It is so much a part of his personality.   not sure I can picture him with it cut short. It is one of the first things people say about him. It also the one thing that seems to throw people off. You see Desmond gets called a “she” just about everywhere we go. We are so use to it now we don’t even think twice. We also do not correct people unless it just keeps coming up. Then you have to do the awkward uhhh HE is a Boy, as politly as possible. Sometimes people are so embarrassed and apologetic. Other times people do not even think twice. The funniest encounter I had with it was at walmart. This older couple saw him, and the man said what a pretty girl, and I corrected him. He then proceeded to argue with his wife who did not believe him. So they walked off going back and forth as to who was correct.

Trust me, he is all BOY.

The more and more I look at Desmond the less and less I see of me and the more I see of Jackie. There is a saying out there that goes something like; the more you love someone, the more you see them in others. I think I totally butchered that. What I mean is, I love the two people in this picture so much, I see so much of them in each other. Desmond looks like Jackie, has her  personality, laughs like her, cries like her, acts goofy like her. It is a wonderful thing to watch. I not only have a best friend, and love of my life, but I also have a little version of that too with him. It is really awesome to see them interact with each other. Desmond clearly loves his momma.

The fair was a few weeks ago, and for the 1st time ever I was excited to go to it. Usually I just do not like crowds and hate fighting to get in and out of anywhere. However this year we just had to do it. We drove by it every day for weeks as they set it up. And everyday Desmond would see the giant wheel and ask “WASS DATT!!” Thats the fair buddy! So everyday he would said “hey fair” as we drove by. We went the 2nd day it was open and just had one of the best times ever. Desmond was on his best behavoir and just soaked it all up! Everynight as we drive by the fair on the way home he would look and say “hey fair, i love you fair”. It was very sweet. He would also get right in your face and look at you and say “FAAAIR?” Very funny.

I also entered some photos in the fair this year. I did last year and took home 3rd place. This year I was able to take home two 2nd place awards. I was very excited about that. One picture I took was in Dubai on my trip at the fish market. I never took much attention to the photo itself, but everyone always commented on it when they saw it. The more I studied it the more I feel in love with it. It is now one of my favorites. The other was of the cropduster that Desmond loves so much. I am framing thisone and it will hang in his room.

I am so looking forward to next years fair.